Ok, I'm new to the blogging. I appreciate everyone's comments. I'd like to communicate more with the commenters and especially Psyfi, so I've turned on an email.
For anonymous with the VNS who is calling me out on my 'story', I am struggling terribly with the lie.
I wish I was strong enough to stand up and say - "Hey - I am not weak - not really broken - just suffering from a disease - same as a diabetic - need medicine every day - and most days it's not enough". But right now I'm not. Sorry guys, not a poster boy yet. My experience with the ex, and the comments the kids have endured already is enough to shy me away. In time they will be told and make their own decisions as to whether my decision was hurtful or not.
The friend I consider a brother will see right through it and we'll talk about it next week. I don't mind him knowing, I just can't face the semi-rejection.
I am weighing all the comments seriously and thank you for chiming in.
I'll sign off with letting you know my thoughts:
Very scared - I keep asking myself "what am I doing"?
Very optimistic - woke up the past 2 days actually excited about getting up
Unhappy - about my lying
A little worried - if I'm excited during the past 2 days because of the possibilities - does that mean that "I" can control this better? The fatigue has been minimal and somewhat controllable with Starbucks. The emotions haven't slowed down though - I could cry at the drop of a Christmas ornament....